...why is it raining so cold?
On Monday I went to an OB appointment and the doctor could not find the heartbeat with the little microphone thing (technical term) so he took me in to do a quick ultrasound where again we did not see the heart beat. He told me to come in on Wednesday so the tech could do a second ultrasound because he always likes to have a second opinion. I was crushed, as soon as the doctor left the room I fell apart and poor William did not know what to do with himself. He kept asking me what was wrong and I couldn't even tell him. In the car, when I was still crying I was finally able to explain to him why I was sad and that sometimes it is okay for me to be sad, even if he doesn't like it.
When we got home we put Gracie down for a nap and put Aladdin on for William and Russ went to the store for some groceries. This left me the perfect opportunity to go upstairs, lay down and cry and cry and cry. I was able to pull myself together once Russ got home, but as soon as William was in bed that night I lost it again. I got a really good cry out and then Russ told me he wanted to give me a blessing. It was not until the next night that someone from a ward came over to help give me a blessing and it helped me so much. I was able to climb out of my "pity me pit" and have hope and faith. I was so grateful for Russ' faith and love. The next morning there was again no heartbeat and no movement. It made it harder because instead of looking like a blob or alien, as some ultrasounds look, it looked like a sweet little baby in a limp fetal position. I could see the outline of the whole body.
I met with the doctor and I decided to have a DNC (where they remove the pregnancy matter) instead of letting it happen on its own. The reasons that I chose this were, I have had a miscarriage naturally before and it was painful physically but more so emotionally. The other reason being you never know when or where it is going to happen. I also don't know how long I could go on feeling sick and hungry for a pregnancy that was not really there.
Early this morning I went in for the DNC and everything went wonderfully smooth. This was my first surgery besides getting my wisdom teeth out. Russ was with me as much as he could be and the nurses were as good as could be. Some of our neighbors came over to be with Gracie and William and I am soooo grateful for that. I really needed Russ to be there with me (without the kids) and without having family and it being so early in the morning I was worried about who we would get. Thanks Andy and Amber. It did take them 4 tries to get the IV in right, but they numbed me first before it they did each one so that made it bearable. When they gave me the anesthetics I am not sure if they even asked me to could because I was out before I heard or saw anything else.
So even though this is an extremely hard thing to go through, it does happen. And even though I wish it did not happen to me, it did. And fortunately I have the distraction of two beautiful imps running around and needing my love and smiles. And I have my own personal sun making me laugh when I need it and letting me cry on his shoulder when I need it. I am young and have plenty of time to have more children and I want my children to be healthy and that baby obviously wasn't.
I know that this is the very reason many people wait until the first trimester is over to let people know they are pregnant, so if this happens they don't have to tell people. I don't mind telling people and having them know. Now if anyone I know needs a shoulder to cry I will be there and they will know that I really know. And if you see me and I have a small tear in my eye, you will know why. Plus, I don't know how I would hide the sickness.
Jennie - the first night I wanted to meet you halfway, although I don't know what good it would have done, I couldn't talk- just cry.
I am so sorry to all my other friends who have gone through or will go through this.