The kids have been so SO good and understanding about this whole thing. Once I heard Gracie say that she didn't want to get married and have babies (which is opposite of things she has previously said) because she didn't want to get sick. That broke my heart, but what will break my heart more is if I do pass this on to my little girl. It really is so hard. I would like more kids but I don't know if I can do this again. I explained that it might not happen to her and that my mother didn't get sick. What I do know is that if this ever happens to a daughter of mine I hope to be able to be their for her like my mother has been there for me. She let us move in for about 3+ weeks. She took care of me and my kids and she did it happily and willingly. And she still comes over to help and clean when she can. I am sure I would have survived without her but not without very, very hard times and very, very dark thoughts. I am so grateful that neither my kids nor I had to suffer that.
My first Sunday back to church that I stayed the whole time for the lesson in Relief Society was about enduring trials well, or something like that. I was pretty discouraged because I didn't feel like I had endured this trial very well. I hadn't said a lot of prayers or read any scriptures and I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. At the end of the lesson they talked about what we learn from our trials and as I sat there and thought about what I have learned from this the tears started to roll down my cheeks and would not stop. Here are some things that I learned:
*I love my mother and there will never be a way for me to adequately thank her for what she has done for me and my family.
*I love my children and my role as their mother. It is very hard to lay in bed and hear someone else parent them, even if I am extremely grateful for it.
*I am so grateful for my sister Connie, she brings so much happiness to my children whenever she comes around and she did it frequently. She is still calling me offering her help. She brought me movies and books even though I was too depressed to read or watch them. She tried so hard to make me feel better but I doubt she will ever know that just her presence did that.
*I love Russ so much. I nearly burst into tears every time he walked in the door from work. I looked forward to it all day. Having him near me made me feel better inside even if I did throw up more when he was around. He supports me and strengthens me and has been so understanding. I know it is not easy for him to leave our house but he does it without complaint and I am thankful for it.
*It is hard for me to rely on other people but man am I glad they are there. Thanks to everyone who helped me or my family in any way. Even just kind words from friends meant so much.
*The Lord is there and waiting, He doesn't take everything away but He does help us through it. I wish I had relied on Him more.
I am hoping to be back to home school by next week and have my life in a little bit of an order by then. I have been feeling more and more like myself. Hopefully this won't go on too much longer. Its 9:30pm and passed my bedtime. I am tired and crying and I think I just need to go to sleep. I have a lot of catching up to do on this here journal of mine. Hopefully it won't take too long.