Dinner for Baby 9/24

Connie wanted to throw me a little sort of shower but since I already have all the baby girl stuff that I need I said just a dinner to celebrate and they all chipped in and gave us money to get a new car seat since that is pretty much the only thing we don't have. And of course people brought other gifts anyway even though I told them not to. And Connie did more than she was supposed to. She was only supposed to reserve a place and invite the friends but I show up to this...

Baby Cakes is the name she has been calling this little baby and her baby cakes were so yummy. All the treats were and I left feeling grateful for all the wonderful friends I have in my life.

Growing baby 9/9

This little baby is growing. I took the picture above before church and posted it on instagram but later realized (with the help of my brother Kent) that it wasn't a very realistic picture and that in real life I looked much bigger so I had Connie take another picture of me (below).

On the 9th after having a birthday dinner for my mom at Joe's Farm Grill we hurried to an ultrasound so we could see this little girls face. She had her face turned back most the time but if I pushed on my belly we could see her.

Lips!

Cheeks!

Smile!

It made us very excited to meet this little girl.

hyperemisis

I have never been very good at journaling about being sick with pregnancy. Maybe because I don't want to remember it? This time I took pictures and posted them on instagram. So I journaled it, sort of. I thought I should put it here. 

 "I am in a bad place today."

 "This guy is the best. While I am worthless he has spent his days off getting everything done. Here he is shooting William while they are decorating his cake for scouts."

 "I think I have cried more today than I did all last year combine."

(This was the night I was released as Young Womens president)

 "His face as I let him lick the candy bar wrapper. He does such a good job of brightening my days and reminding me why I am doing what I am doing."

(We were at the park waiting for his brother and sister in choir. I was so hungry and found half a Butterfinger in my purse. It sounded awful but I ate it and it helped.)

 "Eating, reading, and just laying outside. Trying to pretend I don't feel so bad and noticing there is not one.single.cloud. in the sky."

(We were eating cheese crisps, yet again, and reading Charlotte's Web. Which we still haven't finished.)

 Me and Margo watching everyone else set up for the party."

(I had been out to my moms for a few days but came home for the weekend of Jessica's shower.)

 Jared Allen was busy today. Thanks, it was delicious."

(We had him make his awesome artisan pizza's for the shower. They are seriously so good.)

 "Jessica can have her baby now"

 You know it's not going well when you have to crack open a ginger ale in the store. Heaven help me make it home."

 "Russ goes back to work tomorrow so we headed out to my moms so she can take care of us."

 "This makes me emotional. Lot's of things make me emotional right now; like listening to Newsies or Les Mis, seeing my midwife again, and Williams hugs."

 "Don't worry, I'll get up in a second. Just need to regain my strength."

(at this point I was throwing up multiple times a day and had no energy.)

 "This kid knows what to do when mom is having a really hard day."

(He really was so sweet. He would come and lay by me everyday. But once my throwing up slowed down and I started to feel better he turned into a different kid, a mean one.)

 "The good news: my hair looks like this full time. The bad news: my lovely bath ended with me throwing up...again. Oh and I am down 5 lbs."

 "Dear Depression, you really try hard and sometimes you win, but sometimes you don't stand a chance. Also I haven't thrown up today!!!"

(He wanted to nap in my bed and it was really sweet.)

 "Fill 'er up"

(On a Sunday while my family was enjoying dinner I was headed to the hospital with Russ. On the way there he said, "we are alone, what do you want to talk about" and I burst into tears because I didn't care about anything and had nothing to talk about. The hospital was freezing. They gave me fluids and a new prescription of Reglan. Which helped a lot.

 "Well the meds they gave me at the hospital helped a lot. I have only thrown up once and I straightened my hair so I wouldn't look like a treasure troll anymore."

"Gracie got to go to Build a Bear for Presley's birthday party and on the way home she said, "is this a dream?"

"My nightstand. My mom gave me a bell to ring in case I need something so I don't have to yell." And anytime I rang it William came running to see what I needed.

"They brought me flowers."

"Somebody desperately needs his daddy to come home and wrestle him."

"mmmm noodle soup. I know my diet isn't making anyone jealous but I didn't throw up yesterday so that is nice."

"Homeboy won three of his races in the pinewood derby yesterday. I may have cried because I missed it."

"Gracie decided to give Joe a haircut right before Easter!"

"counting black bees out the window."

"Now this one has joined us and he hasn't even said, "I hate you mom" today yet."

It is hard having a mom who lays down all the time. He was getting tired of it.

And now we are to Easter, which I already posted about. Man I am just cruising along with this catch up business:)

My pregnancy in May

 5/4/13

I knew for sure that the movements I was feeling were the baby. They were strange and seemed different than my other pregnancies. They felt more like my abs were twitching than a baby kicking and it usually happened when I sat up or moved my abs.

 5/5/13

5/27/13

At the midwifes showing the kids how big the baby is/was.

I'm back...I think

Whew! This pregnancy has been rough, just like all the others. Because my last pregnancy happened at exactly the same time three years ago I was able to predict that I would be feeling well by April 28th. Because that is what I wrote on my blog three years ago. Well that date has come and gone and I am still taking medication. I have been taking Reglan three times a day but yesterday I didn't take it at noon or dinner and did okay (meaning I didn't throw up). This morning I woke up and go up to go to the bathroom before eating or taking a pill and ended dry heaving at the sink for what felt like forever. So I took a pill and went back to bed. When I did get up I did okay the rest of the day. So I will be taking a morning pill for awhile until things change. I still feel nauseous most of the time and exhausted all of the time. I can eat pretty much anything I want and my biggest craving is for watermelon. I eat it all the time.

The kids have been so SO good and understanding about this whole thing. Once I heard Gracie say that she didn't want to get married and have babies (which is opposite of things she has previously said) because she didn't want to get sick. That broke my heart, but what will break my heart more is if I do pass this on to my little girl. It really is so hard. I would like more kids but I don't know if I can do this again. I explained that it might not happen to her and that my mother didn't get sick. What I do know is that if this ever happens to a daughter of mine I hope to be able to be their for her like my mother has been there for me. She let us move in for about 3+ weeks. She took care of me and my kids and she did it happily and willingly. And she still comes over to help and clean when she can. I am sure I would have survived without her but not without very, very hard times and very, very dark thoughts. I am so grateful that neither my kids nor I had to suffer that.

My first Sunday back to church that I stayed the whole time for the lesson in Relief Society was about enduring trials well, or something like that. I was pretty discouraged because I didn't feel like I had endured this trial very well. I hadn't said a lot of prayers or read any scriptures and I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. At the end of the lesson they talked about what we learn from our trials and as I sat there and thought about what I have learned from this the tears started to roll down my cheeks and would not stop. Here are some things that I learned:

*I love my mother and there will never be a way for me to adequately thank her for what she has done for me and my family.

*I love my children and my role as their mother. It is very hard to lay in bed and hear someone else parent them, even if I am extremely grateful for it.

*I am so grateful for my sister Connie, she brings so much happiness to my children whenever she comes around and she did it frequently. She is still calling me offering her help. She brought me movies and books even though I was too depressed to read or watch them. She tried so hard to make me feel better but I doubt she will ever know that just her presence did that.

*I love Russ so much. I nearly burst into tears every time he walked in the door from work. I looked forward to it all day. Having him near me made me feel better inside even if I did throw up more when he was around. He supports me and strengthens me and has been so understanding. I know it is not easy for him to leave our house but he does it without complaint and I am thankful for it.

*It is hard for me to rely on other people but man am I glad they are there. Thanks to everyone who helped me or my family in any way. Even just kind words from friends meant so much. 

*The Lord is there and waiting, He doesn't take everything away but He does help us through it. I wish I had relied on Him more.

I am hoping to be back to home school by next week and have my life in a little bit of an order by then. I have been feeling more and more like myself. Hopefully this won't go on too much longer. Its 9:30pm and passed my bedtime. I am tired and crying and I think I just need to go to sleep. I have a lot of catching up to do on this here journal of mine. Hopefully it won't take too long.

This time last year...

I was at a Muse concert. I guess I should say, this month last year. I think it was the 15th? 19th? Anyway, it marked a big day for me. I was pregnant and sick and I had purchased the tickets before I knew I was pregnant. I wanted to go so badly, but throwing up at a concert would NOT be fun. I looked at the calendar over and over again and decided that it was about the time I should be getting better (my second trimester) and I was determined I would be better. And I was. Sorta. I felt pretty crappy, but I was able to stand for all their performance and didn't throw up. 

That also meant that it was time for us to move into the house we had bought. 

That was such a crazy time. I had no part in moving so unpacking was kinda tricky, but so many people helped me and things went so well. A lot of work has been done since then and I think I am ready to start showing my house to the internet world (I am actually not ready, but I feel like if I post this then I have to get ready) I won't (can't) do it all at once. So I will go one room at a time. Plus we will be gaining 3 rooms in August when Mark, Ashley, and Sam move out. I will have a lot of work to do over there. It should be fun.

Living here has been great. Sometimes it is easy for Russ and I to look at the house and only see the things we need/want to get done and not see all the progress we have made. It really is such a nice place to live.

So hopefully once a month I will feature a room in our house. Starting with next month.

Now I need to go get ready for the basement sale. I hope I see you there. It should be fun.

Special Delivery

Disclaimer: This is the story of my home birth, it is long and there are a lot of pictures, but none with nudity. But it is a birth so, you know, there is blood and stuff. Read at your own discretion. Connie was there and took pictures and video for which I am truly grateful.

On Monday October 25th I was 10 days overdue. Up until this point I had tried to be very patient. The day before, Sunday evening, I spent quite a while walking with Connie and had a lot of braxton hicks and was hopeful something would happen that night, but nothing did. The next morning I went to the store and was close to Russ' work so I went and stopped by for a minute. I was starting to feel very sad and cried for the first time. I was just so ready to have the baby. Russ mentioned that I should go eat at AH-SO a Japanese restaurant that my sister in law said would put me into labor. Apparently she ate there before she went into labor and her sister did too, twice. So I thought, what the heck and called Connie to come have lunch with me (she is always so obliging to do that for me). All that seemed to happen later that day was I had gas. That night I decided to take a bath. I got in the tub and had a little chat with the baby inside my belly. Yes, I was talking out loud telling him that I was ready for him to come out, I was ready to go through labor, and I needed his help and participation. Then I went to bed. Some time in the night I woke up with a very strong contraction and had to go to the bathroom (this happened every night) so I went to the bathroom. When I laid back down I had another one. These were hurting from my lower back down to my feet. After three of them right in a row I looked at the clock on my phone - 2:28. I woke Russ up and we timed them for awhile. They were pretty close together and all pretty strong. I new it was time. Looking back I am surprised that I didn't question whether or not it was really labor or worried that they were going to stop - I just new it was going to happen. Then Russ and I started to get things ready. Russ double made the bed and I started cleaning the bathroom. After awhile we called the midwife and parents and text Connie "Thundercats Ho!" Pretty soon I got in the tub and smiled as I listened to the shuffle of Russ' feet and he moved quickly (and excitedly) through the house getting things ready.

Here I am enjoying my time in between the contractions. Connie brought some music and ice and I sat relaxing in the tub. I used the hypnobabies method, but still sorta did it my own way. When a contraction would come I would drop my head and relax my whole body and it worked so well. You could tell the intensity of the contraction by the intensity of my breathing, but nothing else moved. Russ stayed by my side nearly the whole time and rubbed my back. Having him there made it so much easier. Whenever I had a contraction without him there, it was so much harder to get through. My midwife Stephanie and her assistant Jen showed up at 3:40 in the morning. Here is a picture of our room with all the midwife gear in it. Everything was ready to go. They checked me when I arrived and I was dilated to 3 cm and 80% effaced. Later after I had labored for awhile I asked if they would check me again and their response was "that's a hospital thing" and they explained that there was no reason to check me unless I was just curious because it really would not tell us anything. We would know when I was getting closer to having the baby. So I decided not to be checked again.

Everyone was in the other room. My dad made me laugh we he first got to the house he came in and Russ told him I was in the bathroom and he said, "she is going to have him in the bathroom?" Then when he came in to say hi and the lights were off and candles were lit and music was playing he said, "where are we, a wake?" Oh dad - you make me laugh. My midwifes notes say that at 5:00 I was "still smiling".

Breakfast for everyone. My mom cooking away. I feel like if there is a kitchen in the vicinity she will find her way to it.

William was pretty excited because Connie went to QT at 4 in the morning and got doughnuts and ice. Before William left for school he came and gave me a hug and said, "I hope you have your baby soon." What a sweet heart. Around that same time at 8:00, I lost the majority of my mucus plug (I wish we called that something different)

When Gracie saw me in the tub she was confused as to why I was in there with a dress on. She wanted to get in too so we got her in her swimming dress and let her come in with me for a little while and explained that sometimes I needed to close my eyes and relax.

Once she even put her hand on my shoulder and said, "relax". Here she is washing the wall. It was a fun time to spend with her. Connie took her to her dance class and she spent a lot of the time watching some movies and playing with all the family in the other room. She was well taken care of.

I eventually turned around so Russ could really rub my back. At 10:45 I decided to get out and walk around and stretch my legs. I discovered that it did not feel good to sit leaning back at all. I could only sit forward. I tried to eat some pasta and then started to feel nauseous and went and sat on the birth ball for awhile. The contractions were hurting pretty bad and I just wanted to get back into the tub. I was in there for awhile and had to get out to go to the bathroom and stayed out for awhile, I put a towel over the toilet seat and sat there for awhile. Then I stood up because when I was standing the contractions really picked up. I would hold on to Russ when a contractions would come. I had to make him take off him belt because it was poking my belly. This is when I had my first contraction that made me make noise at 12:50. A couple contractions later, at 12:55, I was having a really strong one and I felt a pop inside and I said, "I think my water broke", then I called to Jen, "My water broke!" And just as Russ was starting to say, "wait you don't know that yet" fluid gushed out onto our rug (that was later thrown out and it was fine because I got it for 2 bucks at a thrift store). I was really excited now because I was pretty sure things would start happening fast.
I got back in the tub and laid long ways because I didn't know how else I could birth and I was afraid if I didn't get in position then I wouldn't be able to move later and I think I was right. I also remember being bugged because the sun was in my face. At 1:32 I started getting "pushy" and the midwife guessed I was at an 8 or a 9 (she is usually right)
Stephanie and Jen came in. Stephanie put that wet cloth on my head and I remember that feeling wonderful. The contractions were so strong now and they hurt in my back so much more. In fact I spent each contraction rubbing my lower back very hard. I think a lot of women squeeze their husbands hands, I just squeezed my back. For the next couple of days my arms were very soar. At this point I was doing a lot of heavy blowing while breathing during the contractions. I was not trying to hypnotize myself but I did say a lot of things to myself like, "open" and "easily down and out". That seemed to help me too. At 1:50 they said I was getting grunty and was probably 9+ cm and then finally at 1:52 I had the "urge to push" meaning my body started to push the baby out and I followed it's lead. This went by pretty fast and honestly I was so glad that the time was here and that the whole thing was almost over. I was pushing at 2:00 and his head crowned at 2:06. I would try and push between contractions because I just wanted him out, but they kept telling me to be "steady" and "wait for the contractions" to which I replied, "are you kidding?" Once his head came out at 2:10 I said, "get him out". I knew he was so close and I just wanted them to reach down and yank him out. I am glad now that they didn't:)
After his head came out there was a huge push with very high pitched screaming and the next thing I know, Russ is catching the baby and handing him to me. He was born at 2:11. Above is my I-can't-believe-he-is-here-and-I-am-so-glad-that-is-over crying face. Here I am marveling at his beauty and wondering why he was so gray. Neither of my other kids were that gray - or did they just clean them off faster and make them cry more after their births?

Look at his sweet little, wait I mean big, hands.

The placenta was born at 2:26, and his cord was clamped and cut after it was done pulsing and he had gotten all the goodness out of it.

Then it was time to get out of the tub.

Look at those puffy eyes and lips, I just love them. When he was weighed he was 10lbs 5oz and 22 1/4 inches long. i was not surprised. My mom had big babies including myself (10 lbs 3 oz) and being so overdue I figured he was getting big, but I honestly was not worried about it.
I laid in bed with the little guy on me and he started rooting around so I let him nurse.
Looking at our new baby. I was bleeding a lot, which meant that my uterus was not contracting right. I felt faint for awhile and laid on the bathroom floor so I would not pass out. Stephanie kept pushing on my stomach (uncomfortable to say the least) to try and get it to start contracting right and then finally just gave me some medicine to take and that fixed the the problem. I also got "glued" because I tore a little bit where I had scar tissue from my episiotomy with Williams birth. That is something I will always be mad at my first ob for. I did not need an episiotomy and I tore on both Gracie's and Josephs births because of it.

In all honesty after it was over I just thought, "I am never going to do that again", but I was still in pain. The next day I had changed my mind. I could do it again. It was a beautiful experience. Everything went just as I wanted it to. It hurt really bad, but I did it and I think I handled it well. Connie took a little bit of video and it was a long time before I watched it cause I didn't want to see me being crazy. When I did watch it I realized I wasn't acting crazy at all, especially since I can remember what it felt like.

When William came home from school and got to meet his new little brother.
It was hard and I wanted to recover immediately and I didn't (go figure:) but the experience of having this little boy at home was wonderful. Once I stopped bleeding (too much) the midwives quietly cleaned everything up, said some sweet goodbyes and left us to get to know our new baby. I have so much gratitude for those women, what they do, what they know, and how they love. And no matter how this little boy came into the world, I am just happy that he is here safe and sound.

The End

PS - if you are interested in watching some of the videos let me know. They are all done at an appropriate angle:)